ZZZ = YUM

it's okay to be jealous of who i'm sleeping with. and my holly golightly eye mask.

I'LL TRADE MINE FOR YOURS

When I saw this, I nearly laughed my brains right out of my skull.

WET 'N WILD

I think that today has topped all of my days working as a hair wench in Berea. Today, something happened to me that I can safely say I never expected to have to deal with.

We have a public restroom, and it's not my favorite thing to deal with, but that's life, and it's unavoidable. Sometimes it gets a little gross. Sometimes people forget to flush. Sometimes it smells. Nothing a little lysol and bleach can't take care of. Until today. What happened in that public restroom today gave a whole new meaning to the term "wet n wild", because that is exactly what the interior of our public restroom looked like after the attack of the middle aged woman, whose damp and pungent presence will leave us, the tired, huddled employees of Famous Hair, all never, ever feeling the same. It was worse than Pearl Harbor. I will attest to this to my dying day. The only place that was not covered in fecal matter was the actual toilet bowl - this woman actually blew ass in, around, and all over the innocent insides of the restroom, and walked out, with shit juice dripping down her legs into her canvas shoes and staining the back of her ankle length denim skirt, to ask Rena for a haircut.

I am thankful to have only seen the precursory shit drippings outside of the bathroom door that served as the red alert for what was to come, and not the full monty that Rena was forced to endure when Shitty Sue came slopping out of the bathroom - but, judging from the ass scorches and bloodstains (fact) on the walls and surfaces that were left upon my return from Sally's Beauty Supply, it was to be reckoned with. Rena pushed the mop into her hand, forced her to clean up her own shitstorm due to salon regulations, and sent her on her way, haircut-less, and speed-dialed Cristal and I, who were shopping three doors down. She thoughtuflly suggesting we clean out the Dollar Tree's cleaning aisle and return to the salon posthaste.

It was there, as I entered, that I saw, to my grand surprise, Shitty Sue. Pushing a cart full of freshly purchased items, a smile on her face. She lingered in the doorway of the store. Her eyes met mine, and she said, "I'm so sorry!" and she smiled and continued on, oblivious to the obvious social faux paux of shitting your pants and continuing on with your daily errands. I could not help but turn around and stare after her. The denim skirt may survive, but the canvas shoes, I'm afraid, have met their maker.

I feel that this story should be published in cosmetology tomes worldwide, in a chapter titled, "WHAT YOUR LIFE WILL ACTUALLY TURN OUT TO BE LIKE", alongside the picture I took of Cristal, who I helped scrub in for bathroom duty. And the saddest part is that it isn't even the shitpolsion that is the most shocking part of this whole tale. It's the haircut and shopping spree that followed.

LINES, VINES, AND TRYING TIMES

I just need the world to know that after the most agonizing hour of my life, I ended up with 7th row floor tickets to see the Jonas Brothers in Nashville. If you didn't believe in God before, I'm telling you, you should now - because MIRACLES HAPPEN and they are called JONAS TICKETS.

THE SHIT TOUR

"let's just turn back. we've already gotten our food."



with our littlest old friend!



ernie halter, you are one fierce photographer



"where's edward?"
"HE'S BUSY."


your guess is as good as mine as to who the hand belongs to



THE OFFICIAL REUNION!
we found our twins!!
too bad sarah wasn't there, or we would have been complete.







sitting on the floor in a kumbaya circle for keaton & you bettaaahhh callllll tyroooooneee



THIS PICTURE DESERVES A TRIBUTE VIDEO:





the happiest place on earth!
where it all began.









shit's so dangerous!





as good as home!







gettin' ringed



go figure the only time i take a picture, it happens to be in a cave.
literally.
with kate voegele sitting on a bar stood behind me.





THE END. i'm sorry i made you look at so many pictures of gas stations.
until next week!

IT'S A PRETTY GOOD CROWD FOR A SATURDAY

LAST NIGHT.
I SAW ELTON JOHN
oh yeah, and billy joel
AND REST ASSURED.
i died twice for the both of us.



you may be surprised to hear that SLAAOPATRA was in tow.
she rode in on the tailfeathers of the gr8 white, i hear.

ANYWAY.



LIVING LEGEND U CAN LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH



Clearly using his Ashleykenesis to echolocate me and beam radiantly in my direction via the jumbotron.



my favorite part, besides the tear jerking crowd participation, is the end, where Sir Elton jubilantly exclaims
"BOOYAH!!!"
GETCHASOMEGIRL



i should also include this touching video of ciera & i enjoying our favorite elton song.
or what would be ciera & i, if we were middle aged, bald men JUST ROCKING OURSELVES SILLY

anyway, in exponentially less interesting news, here is Billy Joel.
If you're into that kind of thing.







WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY?!

Oh, I shouldn't hate too much. He is the piano man, after all, and anyway who has the grapes to claim "We Didn't Start the Fire" as their own is truly outrageous. I actually like quite a bit of his music, and he had fierce presence - plus, his Elvis impersonation was actually kind of the shit. When he coughs up that rotating piano and shares it with ~*~SIR ELTON~*~, then we can talk.



Not much else to say on the FACE2FACE front. All in all, it was amazing. Billy was a hoot, and Elton was quite obviously life. I scampered off to the loading dock after the show to try to meet THE LIVING LEGEND himself, but alas, he had danced away on rainbow piano keys (or left in a black SUV, whatever gets you through it), so security was kind enough to give me a compensation prize in the form of a crew pass. OH ESSENCE DE ELTON. I will pin it directly to my heart and wear it forever.

other than that, i guess all i really have to say about the entirety of the show can be best described in this screen cap, which cements the obvious truth that Sir Elton & I are serious soul mates who will someday skip hand in hand together through Central Park together wearing matching sunglasses before taking off on one of those two people bicycles, whistling MMMBop. Okay, this fantasy has gone too far. Regardless:





le sigh. le love.

EYES ON ME, THIS IS MY SHOW

LADIES & GENTLEMEN:
we interrupt our program of dance music to
bring you a special bulletin from the intercontinental radio news:
our very own pop princess, now QUEEN of POP,
has a special announcement she would like to make.

IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH











in line for the show, we meet one of the britney clowns & say hello to the fiercest logo in existance.
GET NASSSTTTTYYY





OH HELLO FRONT ROW, NICE TO MEET YOU.









nicole scherzinger & those other ones





& SO. IT BEGINS.



LIKE A WHAT?
LIKE A CIRCUS







OOH OOH BABY!! starring MAX! from saved by the bell.
and other lucrative careers, i'm sure.









NEW BRITNEY'S ON A MISSSSSSION









THIS MAMA IS IN CONTROL









IT'S LIKE A COMPETITION ME AGAINST THE BEAT I WANNA GET IN THE ZONE





what actually is probably the worst photo EVER is actually THE MOST PRECIOUS.
cici & i with BRITNEYYYY









GRL UR FLYIN HIGH





SOMEBODY PASS MY GUITAR SO I CAN LOOK LIKE A STAR AND SPEND THIS CASH LIIIIKEE









I GOT YOUR CRAZY
I GOT YOUR CRAZY





i have maybe watched this only 4-5,000 times.
yes, i was that close to britney spears.
no, i will never recover.



AFTER THE SHOW IN THE B THRONE
with the GHOST OF BRITNEY LINGERING IN THE AIR!

omg. words don't even describe this show.
like really. go see her. go love her. BITCH IS DANGEROUS.
and she's BACK.