if you had said to me a year ago, "ashley, in one year, you & ciera will be going to see the jonas brothers & swooning like a swooner in heat", i would have laughed in your face and punched you square in the taint.
well, time to hop on the pedophile express! because AWAY WE GO, on a joaney ... as ciera so aptly titled it. YE GODS.
we arrived at the demi lovato m&g with the best of intentions.
okay, not really. we arrived on the false promise that the jobros would make an appearance.
otherwise, sry2say demi, but hanging around with a crowd of 400 chuck taylor wearing, colors of the rainbow ray ban sporting screaming preteens would definitely not have been worth it for you.
i mean, she's cute & all, but you know, JOE JONAS and stuff.
joined by old friend meggan, from the dec 05 tyler hilton show.
breaking out the umbrellas and fans due to the EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT AND UNGODLY HEAT. seriously, you dont even know.
after an hour or so of waiting in the horrifying pit of jobros/demi fan hell & then another hour and a half of unsuccessfully stalking the jobros at a nearby hilton hotel somewhere south of Sweat City, capital of Hotter than 40 Hells, North Carolina, we regroup, damp & dehydrated, at the Verizon store just in time for the Demi m&g, during which I am asked if I am a parent, if that gives you any kind of indication about what the crowd was like. HELL'S TEETH.
oh demi. that poor girl. ciera & i were GRUMPERZ with a capital G & i am pretty sure glowered at her like :|:|:| when she signed our puny little poster and tried to make small talk. she asked me about my tattoo, "what does your tattoo mean?" and i responded, in the careful baritone of a troll, "HANSON. LIKE HANSON THE BAND." and snatched my poster and ran away. oh, it was heinous. that's the price of fame, i guess!
relentless stalking continues, with no luck. those defiant and slippery jonas brothers!! we arrive at the venue around 3:30, a cool 3.5 hours before the show, only to find at least 250 people swarming around. WHY. WHY GOD. where are the days of less insanity? things would not have been so bad, if we were legitimately not as wet as human slip n slides as we toughed it out, still trying to remain brave in the face of defeat, hoping for the best (or to at least see joe jonas in his tighty tight pants in the flesh.)
sadly. it never happened.
after we climbed Mount Verizon Wireless, we saw it. IT. the mythical, the marveled,the revered:
THE JONAS BUS
so, encyclopedia jonas (aka cici) tells me that fans started signing the jobros tour bus at the beginning of the year, on a different tour, and it just became something that kind of caught on. now they totally embrace it, and even have signs saying to just not write on the windows. it was fun to do in that kind of GEEK WAY.
damn our luck to hell! this is as close as we got to the jonai, but still sexual nonetheless.
with meggan & the jonas bus
ciera leaves a message to gentle, gymnast, & baby jonas, from their biggest fans ... whilst i, on the other hand ...
i hope one day nick jonas decides to come outside & read the bus & finds the pedophile-esque love notes i left him.
oh yeah. and i may have said a little something else. about a certain ...
("one day you will get your battle dance w/hanson ... and you will lose!")
showtime nears. WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, JOBROS. just as soon as we cut in line with a group of teenagers after i compliement their HAND PAINTED "MRS NICK JONAS" sunglasses to win them over. you see, it is CUNNING that you need in times like these. cunning, and a glitter eyeshadow.
inside, ciera & i wonder if death is coming for us, as the heat swelters and simmers, and it feels about as comfortable as spending the rest of my days on earth as a resident in a fat man's armpit. i now have a groovy farmer's tan!
relief comes in the form of demi lovato, overperforming and stamping and strutting around in leather pants.
BUT THE REAL PARTY STARTS WHEN AVRIL LAVIGNE ARRIVES.
i may have peed a little, i wont lie.
FUN FUN FUN. she is so obnoxiously great.
ciera & i are the only ones in the 10 mile radius who even stand up for her set, and we dance like foolz.
AFTER AVRIL ... the mind boggles as i spot a 6 yr old with a canon rebel.
Ciera is PUMPED about her glowstick!
TAYLOR SWIFT & army of 20 suited men come blowing in 1 min before showtime, sending us into hysterics.
THE JOBROS ARRIVE. BATTLE DANCING. HIGH KICKING. STRUTTING. I AM NOT LEFT DISAPPOINTED.
i bet he aint no gentle jonas between the sheets
THATS THE GYMNAST JONAS WE KNOW & LOVE
CIERA & I SOB FOR HOURS WHEN JOE GETS THIS LITTLE GIRL OUT OF THE CROWD AND SHE SINGS ALONG
all you could hear was her little voice across the ENTIRE amphitheater! it was so precious.
a little bit longer of this and i will have to excuse myself to jail
love bug ... omfg. joe jonas tap dancing can only be rivaled by joe jonas, the choral director.
WHEN YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYES. ciera & i have to carry each other home due to hotness, after the display that was and can only be described as JONASTY, notably including joe jonas high kicks, joe jonas winks, joe jonas splits, joe jonas POUNDING ON A WATER FILLED DRUM AND WATER FLYING EVERYWHERE IN A SOAKING WET DISPLAY OF SEXUAL THINGS oh lord.
anyway. i hope you enjoyed a day at pedophileland with us! come visit us in jail when we are locked away for stalking children dressed in skinny jeans & SEX.